Blackbird

Passengers Movie

So I watched this movie called "Passengers" because a friend shared a quote from it. I'm on a mission to unravel this friend, so I kind of try watching and listening to everything he shares.

This movie reminded me of the simple decisions I've taken in my life which was a giant leap in hindsight. I used to pity myself and be miserable for all the things I did not have or because few things were not served to me in silver platter. Looking around, one day, I saw that people who have less than me are also very happy. I understood that as do the best you can with what you have to be worthy of things when they happen full fledged. Now, when i look back, that was the best motivation i gave myself, because when I started enjoying the moments and the small things I had, good things started happening to me, better things in fact. It was even better than those people whose happiness inspired me. We do inspire each other at different points don't we. : )

Hmmm, then the movie also reminded me of this boy I used to crush on last year. He is a travel freak and looks seemingly very good with swimming. (Shhh, secret, I've been stalking him and finding as much as I can about him. Guilty! Guilty! In my defense, I avoid stalking and finding out about people...I prefer direct interaction. That way people remember and connections are made. Guilty still. : D). There was this scene in the movie where Chris Pratt holds a seemingly nervous Jennifer Lawrence and floats around the space from the spaceship's deck. I've always thought of a similar scene while learning to swim with this guy. I'm still a nervous wreck when it comes to swimming. :)

On another note, I met a lady on the bus who had come to Bangalore to be part of "Shivrathri" celebrations. In the half an hour or so talking session we had, we covered a wide range of topics. From, is bangalore safe for women, changing mentality of men and the safety that we must take where ever we are, corruption of govt officials, demonetization impact on it, builder politicians , PMO grievances site, working women, marriage, arranged and love marriages, men have not kept up with the times, women have matured a lot, possessive men, harassing men, her daughter's married life. So many things.

So, she randomly brought this topic about her daughter that how she was speaking about marriage having taken out even the simple joys like birthday wishes from friends. Those reminders FB sends when its your birthday means atleast someone wishes you! The lady was like, marriage is all about adjustments and its mostly only from the girls side. One needs to have career and goals and shouldn't expect marriage to be the only source of joy. She also thinks that her daughter rushed into marriage due to peer pressure. As she started saying that, I told her - 'Why do you only look at your married friends? Look at your single friends too na. How they live their life?'. Then she spoke about the guy asking her money in spite of earning well, inducing guilt in her that they didn't spend enough during their wedding. She told her, 'Next time he tries to speak like this, ask him directly that, does he want dowry? Then we'll take it from there.' And to top this, this was an arranged marriage to an IIT graduate! And we spoke about few more details and few others marriage stories as well.

Got me thinking, why did I meet this lady and get into a conversation about so many things? Marriage and career being the most prominent topic. Is it the universe consoling me? Is it the universe asking me to concentrate on my career? Is the universe trying to say to me that - no matter what, the right person will stay, love and support, no matter what? And that one person who I keep wondering is right for me or not, is not actually the one? I need to be lioness rather than a Pomeranian that only barks!
Blackbird

Thoughts. Pent up thoughts!

I was kind of worrying about all the things in the world that i want to speak and share but the friends that I would like to throw such random stuffs (either because I'm following it or expecting to fast-track my learning based on their inputs) are unavailable to me. Complicated matters, when heart gets involved. Anyways, i need to put across my thoughts and probably I'll research a little more if I've to write about it rather than going on with in the conversational way gathering energy and knowledge from the other person. It'll also help reducing my undue dependence on people for random topic discussions and give quality time. And when we do engage in such topics, I'll have more to bring to the table than otherwise.

With that motivation and reading the blogs of some acquaintance (which I was doing until now), I decided to start LJing again. It'll be my ramblings and musings and need not make sense to anyone else. I hope I can transfer some of that not required energy and time for friends, writing here. Time which is the shortest commodity I own.
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Blackbird

Strange Relationships

10 years...and still the sight of your name makes my heart skip a beat
I can never be numb to you
My heart can get used to the ache but it will never ignore you
The happiness you fill me with...with even the silliest things...makes it all worth it
Remember this is not a love story.
Blackbird

Kattale Belaku - A play

Took time off from office to see a play called "Kattale Belaku" (meaning Darkness is Light) in Ranga Shankara. The language was Kannada. Pretty interesting it was. The main story was basically about a writer's dilemma on his worth and the kind of stories he wrote vs the kind of stories he like. More than the message, i liked the little bits in the play.

1. There was a scary looking person constantly saying "Solu" (meaning Failure) whenever the writer engages in a conversation with himself admiring his accomplishments or worthlessness of it. The scary person might be to represent the 'fear of failure'... i'm guessing. I liked the way the actor expressed his restlessness and his fear.
2. There were two people, maybe producers, who were convincing him to write plays for him so that they can produce and direct it. The conversations that goes on between them takes many funny turns and this one guy who is mostly quiet on words gives the punch funny lines whenever he talks.
3. Then in intervals there was this adivasi gang of god knows what makes entry with loud noises and creepiness. If at all any boredom was creeping by, their periodic entry was refreshing.
I had difficulty with language as i'm not very proficient in Kannada along with multiple dialects used but it was interesting to listen and learn. This was the first group play i'm watching and enjoyed it too. The previous two i've watched are performed by solo artists on stage.

I was so stressed before the play and suddenly during the play i felt so relaxed and had a constant smile which i felt was like Jesus' disciples. :D

P.S: I went back to office to collect my bag and i was so late. (Walk of about half an hour as i couldn't find an auto rickshaw to get back). I should have just come to watch the play with my bag. I reached home around 11 whereas i could have reached by 10. Not to mention the wait by Ola Cabs and subsequent cancellation because of their faulty location detector app. I was so angry for being stranded on a lonely road. It was an auto fellow en route that was kind enough to take me with normal charge.
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Blackbird

An angel who talks about happiness

Today one of the cab driver pursued me to get into an airport cab at 9:00 PM for the fare i pay the bus so that he does not have to go empty for an airport pick up. My home lies on the way to the airport.
He has pursued two other elderly couple en route to the airport. He began simple conversation with me. I was slightly uncomfortable as i wanted little to give away as the driver was sitting next to me or me next to the driver. Eventually he picked up the conversation again and told about his travel and retirement interest, his past positions and that he was also a professor in management. I spoke to him further with no inhibitions.

He told me - "find happiness". Happiness is not in acquisitions but in simple small things like the no motive conversation we are having now.

After i bid my bye when my home lane was near, he told the cab driver to wait until i cross the road. Being a highway, motorist drive like maniacs even when the pedestrian signals are on. The angels that god sends!

I was reading an older gibberish of mine where i was talking about my inability to put an already reserved person at ease. Here was god's angel engaging in live example.
Blackbird

The Risen Happiness

Watched the movie 'Risen' today. I'm speechless at how happy and in love the disciples were with each other. Can you be so happy?

There are times i laugh, giggle mindlessly at each and every joke including the most stupidest joke, just happy with the company that i'm in. This also means...sometimes to some people...maybe that i'm easy (irrespective of the gender)...needless to say, bringing confusion to my mind...which i'm already overworking just trying to fit in the world. Bad with my social skills as i'm.

And my question remains, can you be so happy?!

P.S: The movie was beautiful and a wonderful way of showing how endless Yeshuva's love is for us.
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Blackbird

Saplings :D

Long hiatus!

Planted saplings today at a school on account of World Environment day. I must have planted trees back in Kerala but don't remember, i wanted a memory of planting trees, memory of having partaken in it. Today gave me that opportunity. So happy. To top the kids in the school were so enthusiastic and appreciative. They were angels. :)

P.S: My page layout still exists!
Blackbird

My Maternal Grandfather - My ray of light to life

Title is not one bit exagerration. Maybe my memoir could have it's short coming but the title only deserves to be more majestic.

When you are a tom boy in your growing up years, the sound of marriage usually brings a frown by default. This was because only the girly types were typically expected to feel all shy at the sound of marriage...dunno why that is so. It was not because i didn't want to marry...always had the dream to marry a tall handsome guy with few qualities here and there :p but never knew to express it like the other girly kids because of the type-cast.

Then some how i began to mix my girly and tom boyish side, friends started talking about marriage, few of them got married and it got me talking as well (a respite from thinking *sigh of relief*). In all these talks there were talks of parents looking out for a suitable guy. However with me the same was not happening. Parents didnt even ask by when they should start looking. I started to worry. Was i wrong in not having a boy friend in order to prevent complications. Should i actually have started looking for someone myself? Self doubts and doubts as to whether i would have to finance my own wedding also was in my mind. I wondered should i have been such a tom boy even.

At a time like this, it was my maternal grand father who liked a boy and thought of him for me. He asked me whether he would go and ask his family for me. (To be noted: Neither they nor me have seen or heard how each one looks or behaves. No communication has happened so far). I've was glad...but had self doubt again. Am i good enough? Is he good enough? What is we are not too good for each other...rejection from my side, rejection from his side...will grandpa be able to take it. Moreover i don't know to say a straight yes to anything. I told grandpa not to ask as i'm not ready yet.

Dunno what was in him, grandpa went and asked anyways. The boy was studying somewhere in East Africa, Masters in Mechanical Engineering. His parents apparently told him that their son wants to study Phd and would be looking for someone only later. Grandpa told this to me over the phone as well. I was wondering whether it was to do with any of my fears. His description is like he is fair, smart, curly haired boy. I'm not fair, not even wheatish. I'm brown. what if that would have been an issue. Anyways so that was the story with the proposal.

Then later after couple of months...maybe a year, appachan told about the same guy and asked whether i'm interested. I was like...appachan...then he only was like, yeah it's better to look for marriage once settled in your job and all. I was like...Appacha!! Progressive thinking there! :)

For a change both my mother's brothers called me up after that with few days gap to ask whether i'm looking for marriage now and i was like no. Surprised as i was, that conversation ended there.

Had been to Kerala about 3 weeks back to see Appachan and Ammachi. Appachan had a fall and had a fracture about his hip joint and he was in bed only. Seeing him was shocking because when i entered the room i only saw Ammachi. Thought Appachan was somewhere else and the bed next only had some clothes on it...but when i looked i saw appachan was lying there. His face completly dried, so unrecognisable. I felt like crying but being the stone i was around family, i didn't. I didn't express myself either.

He apparently had Parkinson's as well as dementia. So it was doubtful he would recognize me. But he did! He did recognize and asked how is my job, my pay whether i get atleast 20k. I said yes. He seemed happy. :) He also told about the boy next door. He could not speak much clearly so didn't push it. I just smiled.

Later Ammachi was telling about the boy next door and his wedding with this girl from Bangalore. That they flew to Africa and that the girl got a job and the boy is looking for one yet and all. She also told that they had come to their house. Ammachi was like i was wondering it would have been nice if it was you. He's fair with curly hair. I told Ammachi - "I'm not fair noh" and she just smiled.

Appachan was again trying to tell the story of the boy next door and i told Appachan that Ammachi told everything. :)

Ammachi was like Appachan likes attending wedding. Even though he is not at his prime he would go. Ammachi would tell him it seems. Why do you want to go taking so much pain. They would understand that you may not be well and hence could not make it. And he would respond it seems that - 'I can, they why not go'. :) Somehow in my thoughts all this connects to his planning for my wedding. Wish i could have known him more...wish i knew to speak to them more affectionately. I would have known his plans.

He used to say when i was kid that you should be an engineer sometimes injineer (in malyalam it means ginger juice, rhyming words). I'm an engineer today and there is nothing else that i've wanted to be. I do not regret choosing engineering or bein an engineer. Branch is debatable but engineer is bang on. This point of putting this memory here is how a simple conversation has big attachment. As i grew up the communication with grandparents shrinked to almost null...to speak of such small things to each other and i've no idea of his plans for my wedding. Somehow it makes me think he always knew what i've wanted and what is right for me. :)

Now people are thinking about wedding not as something on paper but as a real thing to happen to look out for. My parents seemed to have woken up. And i've woken up as well...started thinking of it in more practical sense. However it is a very tension filled world...god knows the right person and the right time. I wonder how we are going to like each other...no clue at all...but there's a start and i just want to say thanks with a greatful heart and a tearful eyes to my veliyaappachan (maternal grandfather) who lighted the lamp for the right one.
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